Non Standard Issue: Unlearning and Becoming Friends with Failure

Maybe because I’m terribly self-aware. Add to that a dose of obsessive compulsive thinking, a drop of impractical perfectionism, and BOOM! – I summon my worst critic – myself. While other people can easily soak the lesson and move on, I am still there, trying to over-analyze every thread of my action until all my nerves are frayed. It doesn’t matter if it’s “Urgh, why did I take x hours to prepare this morning?” or “Was the mistake I made so bad that I deserved that kind of humiliation?” – my anxiety levels do not know the meaning of “rational discrimination.”

As mentioned in my previous post, there’s a fine line between self-improvement and pure cuckoo. I have already racked frequent flier points crossing that divide.

So it is with great relief that I am now slowly unlearning my mothballed perception of failure. I am now learning how it is to be human.

The roots of my fear

Was it nature or was it nurture that led me to this kind of pickle?

I do believe they’re both equally responsible.

As a kid, I was reluctant to join my classmates in their outdoor games because I felt it was too late for me to know the mechanics. Yeah, imagine me, a Grade 1 pupil afraid to fail in Chinese Garter. I always wanted to know everything before I try something. As a baby, I probably investigated the world outside my mom’s uterus before I decided it’s safe to come out.

It didn’t help that in school, we are often taught to avoid mistakes, instead of seeing them as opportunities to learn. You are not encouraged to make things explode in the laboratory, for example. I remember those times when we (aka the people in the Honor/Dean’s list) compare the results of our exams to see who scored the highest. Or those moments when I felt frustrated that I didn’t get a perfect score because I missed one item, instead of feeling happy that I was able to learn the rest of the 99.

Of course, friendly competition can be healthy and I admire people who give their best in everything they do. Nothing should stop you from working your butt off to get high grades, especially if it’s your ticket to a college scholarship (which is true for me). However, it becomes complicated when you apply a “Laude” approach to other aspects of your life.

Let’s say that your definition of success in college is to get a Latin Honor (Cum Laude, Magna, Summa) during your graduation. To get a Latin Honor, you must earn high grades after another. Heaven forbid that you fail a subject because that will automatically disqualify you for the award. Only success can breed success. To make a mistake is a big NO. To fail is a big NO.

Given the peculiarities of my DNA and that kind of conditioning, no wonder it’s hard for me to adapt to the workplace after college. (Is it the right time to say that I am also INFJ in the Myers & Briggs test?) Ooops, I accidentally deleted a code and got reprimanded for it = a weekend of self-reflection if this job is right for me. Oh I missed a deadline = an hour figuring out where it went wrong and how I can do better and telling myself “I should have seen this sooner.”

As I have said, self-reflection is a necessary part of self-improvement. But fudge, I would be more productive if I don’t take everything personally (“It’s again my fault…”) and learn to charge things to experience. Mind you, I even self-reflect on the way I self-reflect.

The school of life

Thankfully, I’m learning to change my “I don’t want to fail. I have to know everything.” mentality to “It’s okay to fail. It’s okay not to know everything before I start.”

In school, the lessons are clear cut and I get rewarded for remembering them. But in life, there’s no fairy godmother who will just swoop in and say “Here’s your Life Instruction Manual. Memorize it and you’ll be fine.” In life, no matter how hard I prepare, there’s always something that can spectacularly go wrong. I just have to know how to adapt.

In school, the road to Latin Honors is paved with high grades. But in life, the road to success (no matter what your definition of it may be) is often littered with failure after failure after failure. But unlike in school, these failures do not disqualify me for life’s Summa Cum Laude. In fact, they make me even more qualified because many of the best lessons only come after you have screwed up royally. Yes, it’s better to learn from the mistakes of others, but sooner or later, you’ll have to take your own calculated risks.

In school, it took me four years to finish my IT course. In life, it may take ten or twenty or more years for the seeds I have planted to grow. I can’t compare my “harvest” in real-time to others since the crops they want to reap are different. Sometimes, I may plant the wrong seeds, unintentionally kill them even, but that’s all part of learning how to become a better farmer. It’s up to me not to waste those experiences.

I am both my failures and successes

One of the most elegant and heartfelt explanation article on failure that I have ever read is on Susan J. Fowler’s blog.

It made me evaluate the failures I am subconsciously hiding. Yes, I’m not (yet) a self-made (young) millionaire, but according to my LinkedIn account, I am not doing badly. Life has been kind and I am grateful for my blessings. But what my resume does not contain are the struggles behind those milestones.

I failed on my first attempt to secure a college scholarship. I failed to be a good software developer because I like to tinker with words more than code. Yet, I also failed to become a full-blown journalist – my dreams of shifting gears after college did not materialize. I submitted articles which were not accepted and published. I failed so many times in my personal relationships – I failed to be a great sister to my brother with special needs and I failed to be there for so many of my friends and loved ones when they were at their lowest. I failed to be consistent in my service and in my volunteer works – most of them felt like flashes in the pan. I failed in so many other countless ways.

But I’m learning now to frame my failures as a necessary part of my existence. They are teaching me to be humbler, more compassionate, more resilient. They bring out my character flaws to the surface, so I can closely study and address them. Every time I hit rock bottom, I learn to climb back more gracefully.

I should not be ashamed of my past failures, because I would not be complete without them.

I should not be afraid of my future failures too. I should not be afraid to pour my heart into doing something that I love, just because they might not become instant success (or successful at all). I should not be afraid to try something new that interests me, just because I might fall flat on my face or “waste valuable time”. Even if I “fail”, I’ll get to know myself a little better and hopefully pick something valuable, which I can use on my next try.

Becoming my own guinea pig

What we usually see in the news and social media are the polished and the pretty products. We don’t get to see the struggles, the frustrations, and the tears behind every success story. We crop the unpleasant parts and filter out our scars.

But if we want to keep our sanity, we need to bring out those stories to the surface – especially for young professionals my age. We need to hear the message that there’s no shame in failure. There’s nothing wrong in being a work in progress. There’s no such thing as an overnight success. The waiting and the hardships are all part of the process – there’s no app or life hack that can let us skip that part. And even if we do discover shortcuts, we’ll be missing a crucial part of character development.

So I am now excited to share my next project. Together with my friend Jaizy (who already has a few publications under her name), we’ll be writing a book that collects those stories of, by, and for our generation.

Yes, the fears and the doubts are starting to manifest themselves. “Shouldn’t I enroll in a book writing course first? What if I don’t have what it takes to give justice to their stories? What if I can’t catch all the grammatical and typographical mistakes in the book?!...” and so many more.