Non Standard Issue: A letter to the 40-year old me

I sort of fantasized that this post will be about you writing to me – transmitting your much needed wisdom to this naive, just-turned-23 version of us. But, okay, this is more practical since at least I know what to say and lady, there’s so much I want to talk about if you’re with me right now.

(Which, on second thought, freaks me out so don’t go around fishing for a time machine. Let’s stick with this letter – it’s classic and at least I can practice my writing.)

First, I didn't just randomly pick you. In my current dream manifesto (the fancy term for that multiple-paged word document where we wrote our dreams, which in your time is probably on its millionth version), 40 is the age where I paused enumerating the milestones I have set for my life. Not that I plan to do nothing at that point, but because I want my future self, you, the room to write the second part of the roadmap.

I have chosen you because you are relatively in a similar position as me – on the brink of fresh discoveries and venturing into unfamiliar territories, except that you are drawing on a much wider bank of hindsight, courage, and strength to guide you.

Because 40-year-old-version-of-me, those are what I badly need right now – wisdom, courage and strength. And the certainty that everything will be all right.

At this point in my life, I already know what I want to become. But I’m not exactly sure how. I’m also not exactly sold out that I really can. Honestly.

Right now, it’s so easy to go with the flow. To just let go and live the yuppy life. To earn and spend my money like there’s no tomorrow. To party (even if I’m not exactly the party-going type), to drink (even if I abhor the taste of alcoholic beverage), and to scour the malls in my free time (even if I just prefer to be curled in a book at home). It's super easy to be sucked into just thinking about the short-term and forgetting the long-term.

But I am not wired up to be like that. Never was and never will be. A friend once said drinking and partying are necessary evils, but I wouldn’t miss them in a million years. What others call “getting a life” is for me just a waste of my youth. Totally booorrrriiingg.

I know I’m sounding high and mighty here, like I have been crowned Ms. Goody Two Shoes or Ms. Perfect or something. Which I am not. I can’t cook well-enough to save my ass, I oversleep more than necessary, I have no sense of direction, I have a tendency to be selfish and judgmental, among other countless flaws and imperfections.

At the same time, my often addled brain lights up enough to send me the message that I am meant to do something more and I have to honor what my heart truly desires.

Oh those big dreams of mine. God had too much fun firing my imagination when I concocted them.

Sometimes, I feel they are a curse. I mean why can’t I just spend all my weekend watching TV series without feeling guilty that I didn't devote time to other productive tasks (aside from work)?

Yet, I can’t bear to be without those big dreams either. The thought of me passing time on this earth without fulfilling my purpose is too much a torture to bear. I’m not born merely to decorate Planet Earth.

Thus, I always found myself at the drawing board after every fall, mistake, and misstep, because I just cannot give up on myself.

One thing I learned in this journey is that when you pursue the off-beaten tracks, you’ll find yourself alone on some parts. For example, at my age, I only personally knew few who are interested in financial literacy and investing in the stock market. Instead, many of my peers ask me why I am not rewarding myself, etc. (Last time I checked, I’m not wearing rags and I don’t feel deprived. I just have simple pleasures and I don’t need to have the latest, flashiest gadgets to be happy.)

Fortunately, I have crazy people to look up to. While I admire Audrey Hepburn, Beyonce, Michelle Obama and other fierce ladies, I find it comforting and encouraging that there are also young people like Emma Watson, Tavi Gevinson and Malala Yousifazi who are doing these truly amazing works. (BTW, I hope we’re already BFFs with them at that time :P)

To be fair, I’m also receiving my fair share of heavenly guidance. After college, God led me to the Light of Jesus Family, the Truly RichClub, and gave me opportunities to learn and grow in the different aspects of my life.

At 23, I don’t yet have everything I dream of, but it’s safe to say I have the things I need at this point of my life. I’m young, healthy, financially okay – which is why, at my age, it’s so easy to believe that the good times will last forever.

But the enemy of great is good. Easy life maybe, but meaningless ultimately.

Which leads to my dilemma.

How do I exactly make the shift to good to great? What sacrifices and choices must I make? What bad habits must I let go and how can I actually replace them with good ones? How do I find the mentors who can help me be on the right track? What parts of myself must I keep and what do I allow to thaw? And the hardest question of all, can I really do this?

I know, from my well-meaning friends and from my brain, the best thing to do is to consult with God about it. To seek His will for my life.

It’s a good catch-up answer, and I’m learning how to do that. But it’s also not as simple as waiting for God to spoon-feed you with the answers.

As they said once at The Feast, God’s will is not a detailed command but a divine call. I am starting to discern the divine call, but I still have a lot of figuring out to do on how I can get there.

We’re not robots with a manual containing step-by-step instructions on how we should live our life. We’re flesh and blood incarnation of our maker, who is there to coach and love us even if we mess up.

That’s probably what I should be doing this time – mess up more, in a good way. To try and try again and not be afraid to make mistakes. To be brave in showing my weirdness and awkwardness because my talents spring forth from them. To continue stretching and flexing myself. To finally take the brave step like Eunan in that short story I once wrote.

I may not always know the answers, but at least I’m embracing my life in the truest sense of the word, and not the shallow lifestyle prescribed by society.

Twenty three and 2015 are the perfect times for that.

Okay, that previous sentence can be a good ending, but it’s not exactly true. Any age and year, as long as we are still alive, is the perfect time to act.

We are both about to embark on new, interesting phases in our lives, and I want to reach out to you, across those 17 years that separate us, through that invisible yet unbreakable thread that binds us. We have made it these far, and whenever we feel we can’t make another step, we can always look back at the distance we have sailed so far.

Through me, remember your past adventures and may you gain renewed vigor to embark on new ones. Through you, I’ll gain the wisdom, courage and strength to sail my ship, knowing that everything will be fine.