Non Standard Issue: The Princess and the Froglets (a short story)

Once upon a time, in a far, far, far, far, far (O.A.!) away kingdom, there lived a princess. She was beautiful, graceful, poised, talented, and kind – and so very, very tired of these clichéd descriptions.

She did not believe that all princesses should be sweet and syrupy. She could never picture herself being a damsel in distress. And never in the world could she understand why she should wait for a knight-in-shining armor to rescue her from danger when she was just as handy and adept with a sword, thank you. And the whole “swept-off-your-feet” thing makes her nauseous.

The king and queen were very proud of the princess, but their only daughter not being sold on the “happily-ever-after” concept bothered them greatly. And they could never win an argument with her, because she can quickly outwit them whenever the topic was raised. The queen was especially bothered, since she feared that the princess would grow old alone and lonely, with only a clutter of cats to accompany her. The princess would just laugh, hug, and tell her mother that her worries are overrated, and that besides, she was allergic to cats.

But finally, her mother’s prayers, pleading, and sometimes, thinly-veiled threats did manage to soften the princess’ stand. She agreed to take a vacation from her royal duties and jump into the rose-colored and chaotic world of soulmate-hunting. And somehow, in the deep recesses of her heart,was the tiny belief that maybe, falling-in-love was not really as cracked-up as it seems to be, and she would be able to find that person she could share her life with.

The sappiness of this thought made her rather uncomfortable, but she consoled herself with the promise she had extracted from queen, which the princess insisted to be formalized in a signed contract. The legal document stipulated that if the princess was not able to find the man of her dreams within the specified time, despite pouring the greatest of all efforts and exhausting every possible avenue, short of being pathetically desperate, then her mother would never meddle with her love life again.

Guided only by her instincts and Volume I and II of the “Greatest Fairytales Ever Told” collection, the princess proceeded to work on every fairytale-tested formula of finding your one true love. But she realized that what was easy for the heroines in those story books were very much hard for her to emulate. And boy, not even one of them worked.

Not the two-day session at the saloon where her hair was given a nine-meter extension and dyed platinum blonde, and the short-lived time after that where she was locked in a tower. She was supposed to patiently wait there for seven days, but then the hired dragon accidentally breathed fire over her hair, and so the rest of the week was spent restoring her crowning glory to its original state.

Not the apple diet, which barely lasted for less than an hour. She did choke on her first bite, and she was lucky enough to have a hand maiden at her employ who knew Heimlich maneuver. And definitely, not the time when she attended a royal ball where she had to run away before midnight when a creepy, drunk man approached her. Unfortunately, the glass slipper she left behind while rushing down the stairway did not come back to her, and it was even a Louboutin.

She decided to skip the other options, because she feared she may not wake up if she takes sleeping pills. It was nearing winter, and so swimming in the freezing water in her newly-fashioned fake fish tails was also out. So lastly, in a fit of desperation, she went to the garden and kissed every frog she could catch. Yet still, they all just said “Kokak!” And that was when the princess realized that all the good ones (prince not frog) are gay, taken, or dead.

But if you, my beloved reader, say nay to the conclusion of this little yarn, then I would be happy to read how you would want the princess' fairy tale to end.
My friend, Berlyn Sitim, was kind enough to give her own alternative / continuation of the story:

On her way back to the kingdom, she met a notorious group of bandits. Luckily, she had with her, her sword and so together with her personal guards, they fought off the pillagers. They captured the men and bound them but a few escaped into the woods.

As they were leaving, they heard a cry nearby. Upon searching, the princess found a newborn baby covered in thin, worn-out blankets at the edge of the forest. She asked the bandits if they knew anything about the baby. They told the princess that they were supposed to sell the newborn who was also found by one of them.

The princess cuddled the baby with her coat and brought her with her. She ordered the guards of their kingdom to seek for the baby's parents but after months and months of searching, still no parents claimed the child. The princess decided then to adopt the girl whom she, her parents and the whole palace adored and they called her Hope. The princess thought to her self, she may not have been successful in her search for a man she can be with for the rest of her life, at least she found someone who will be with her when she grows old. Yes, old but not alone. At least she will not spend her dying years with a bunch of cats.